He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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