I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
