Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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