I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
