if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
