I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
