Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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