did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
