I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
