Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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