Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
