So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
