and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
