Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
