When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
