I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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