Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
