he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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