apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
