wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
