Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
