6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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