Umm I'm too high to move.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
