I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
