Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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