btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
