I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We had to coat check the pizza.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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