He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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