Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You have to summon your inner elephant
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Randomize
