You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
