If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
