I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
