Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
