I showed him my bush... on skype.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
