I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
