dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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