y did u give ur computer a hand job?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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