I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
