got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
