dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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