Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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