What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
