I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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