So drunk its hurt
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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