either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
