I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
