Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
My hand turned me down
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
