i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
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I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
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I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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