why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
