the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
