There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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