I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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