You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
