i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
