he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
