Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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