I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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