The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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