I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
