I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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