why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
